I feel sick! I feel so stupid, humiliated, embarrassed, naive and lost and broken! I feel rage, I feel hate…but there is still love too. I hate this. I hate the lies, I hate the emotional trauma this causes. I absolutely hate feeling this way. I cannot think, I am a disaster…again. He won’t even leave the house… I’ve given All I can. I’ve taken care of him and honored my vows, but I just cannot do it anymore. I feel so broken! I know I cannot stay anymore.
Anonymous
These heart-wrenching words echo the pain and turmoil experienced by countless betrayed women trapped in unfulfilling or toxic relationships, and, dear sister, believe me, I hear you. I feel your pain, your anger, your confusion. The words you’ve shared could have been my own not so long ago. The feeling of being stupid, humiliated, embarrassed, naive… I know it all too well. But I’m here to tell you something crucial: Betrayal isn’t the end of your story. It’s just the beginning.
Hi, I’m Cristina, and if you’re reading this, you’ve likely felt the sting of betrayal. And like me, you’ve been lied to, cheated on, and left questioning everything you believed about love and loyalty. Right now, you’re in the eye of an emotional hurricane. Rage, hate, love, despair – they’re all swirling around you, threatening to pull you under. But here’s the truth: each of these emotions is valid. Each has a purpose.
- Your rage is your spirit’s way of saying, “This is not okay, and I’m not going to accept it!”
- Your hate is a shield, protecting your heart from further harm.
- The love that remains? It’s a testament to your capacity for deep connection.
- Your feelings of being lost and broken are your psyche’s way of telling you that you need a pause to reset and rebuild.
DDay: The Bomb Explosion
When I discovered my husband’s betrayal, it felt just as if a bomb suddenly exploded in my house, shattering everything I thought I knew about my relationship, my partner, and even myself. And even today, it remains the most fitting metaphor I can think of.
In a second, everything seemed out of place, unrecognizable, unfamiliar, broken, messy, confusing, ugly. The initial blast is devastating, leaving you stunned and disoriented. The shock wave obliterates your sense of reality, while lies and deceit take root in your psyche. A dusty cloud of confusion obscures your vision, making it impossible to see a clear path ahead, and the deafening noise of discovery drowns out all rational thought.
Just like if your house was destroyed and needs rebuilding, so is your relationship. Nothing will ever be the same, and there will be many bruises and scars. But sadly, more often than not, the betrayer will push you to get back to normal. They will try to convince you to do a quick “renovation in the kitchen” or even a fancy “redecoration in the rooms,” looking for quick fixes that just won’t do it.
True healing requires more than a fresh coat of paint or new curtains. It demands a complete overhaul, starting from the foundation up. This process is messy, time-consuming, and often painful. It means exposing every crack, addressing every weak spot, and sometimes even tearing down walls that no longer serve their purpose – maybe even the whole house.
The betrayer might grow impatient and want to move back in before the structure is sound. They might say, “Isn’t this good enough?” or “Can’t we just cover that up?” But rushing the rebuild only sets you up for future collapse.
Real reconstruction requires patience, honesty, and a willingness to sit with discomfort.
Can I rebuild my relationship after betrayal?
Trust me, I understand that you want a simple yes or no answer. I know that you are seeking clarity and craving stability. But the truth is that it depends on many factors. If you are uncertain, take a pause, and definitely avoid the pitfall of rushing into a rebuild prematurely. As the betrayed partner, you’re not just the homeowner in this scenario – you’re the architect, the builder, and the inspector. You get to decide what the new structure looks like, what materials are used, and how long the process takes. It’s your right to ensure every beam is steady and every wall is sturdy before you even consider moving back in.
For your own safety and emotional well-being, it’s crucial to take a moment and be completely honest with yourself. Reflecting on the following questions can be beneficial:
- Do you really want to be with them after that discovery? The emotional work you will have to undergo to stay with them is enormous and even if everything goes well, many betrayed partners report ongoing trust issues and anxiety about potential future betrayals.
- Are you able to wait in the uncomfortable and unfamiliar emotional space you are in right now? Because, trust me, it might take a while for you to leave that place and “go back to normal.”
- Do you accept there’s a possibility that betrayal might have happened before and might happen again? According to studies, relapses happen in 30 to 40% of the cases*, and if there are addictive behaviors involved, they can occur in up to 60%** of the cases in the first five years.
- Are you willing to educate and work on yourself to change your mindset, empower and set new and critical boundaries for your healing and emotional independence?
And if, after careful consideration, you decide you want to give your partner another chance, there are a few other questions you should be able to answer about THEM:
- Do they have the maturity to accept that pause that they’ve imposed on your relationship when they’ve “exploded THE BOMB” (i.e., at the moment they decided to cheat on you)?
- Are they willing to take responsibility for YOUR emotional mess WITHOUT BLAMING YOU, assess the damages with you, and make amends?
- Are they patient enough to accept that healing will happen on YOUR terms and in YOUR time, NOT THEIRS?
- Are they willing to explore the root causes behind their actions (and that can be a myriad of reasons why, from lack of values to past traumas to addictive behaviors to neuro divergencies, like ADHD and more)?
- Are they willing to heal from their excuses to cheat on you and commit to stop breaking their vows and their part of the agreement?
- Are they ready to educate themselves and change? An article from Addo Recovery*** shows that “More than 86% of couples stay together when BOTH agree to be vulnerable, completely honest and dedicate themselves to the process.”
The Path Forward: Healing your Mind from Past Wounds
The above image really illustrates my mood after betrayal: a toxic state of mind, emotional distress, and physical exhaustion. And only when I felt so bad that my body started to show signs of sickness that it hit me: This hasn’t been the first time; so what was I doing to re-create that reality?
My journey through betrayal was long and painful. I’ve been cheated on in my youth and a few times in my adulthood. It took me a while to notice the pattern and to realize that there were things I could do to stop living the same story on repeat – over and over.
And here is where I want to stop you. This is not about judging ourselves and thinking that we are to blame for their betrayal. No! They are responsible for their part of the game. However, and this might sound contradictory, you are responsible for yours. And what is your part? What goes on in your mind. Why? Because your mental attitude equals your mental frequency. And your mental frequency will be translated into your emotional convictions, which will attract you to a certain kind of experience.
And I suggest you take a deep breath and let that sink in.
Life happens, right? We all heard that one. However, what do we do about what is happening in our lives? Unfortunately, we usually receive it as a given and just react according to old patterns and with a very small amount of presence. What do I mean by presence? In this context, presence is that quality of our minds that allows us to acknowledge what’s happening from a laser-focused perspective in what’s really there at each given moment. Instead of responding, we just react based on our beliefs and past experiences. There’s no power in that approach because we are no more than victims of circumstances.
Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t – you’re right.
Henry Ford
The magic begins when things happen but instead of the usual automatic and uncosncious reactions, we are awake and aware. And we intentionally change tragectory right there on the spot and respond to life in a way to create a better, more beneficial next chapter.
And that’s why I educated myself, and I learned. I trained my mind with more consistency, I grew stronger, wiser, and more determined to break the cycle.
I understood that infidelity can unearth deeply rooted wounds from our past, deep-seated beliefs of low self-worth or self-esteem, fear of abandonment or rejection, and many other beliefs that we can inherit from society or even our families, which creates our emotional conviction about who we are. I learned that once you believe in something, you will receive your confirmation—not because what you believe in is true, but because this is how this model of reality works.
Working on the mental level is crucial for personal growth but even more critical if you are interested in building healthier relationships in the future—which I’m pretty sure you are—even if it is with the same person.
Remember, what you’re experiencing now has to do with who you were in the past, and you can start right now to observe those consequences and look for the cause, so you can change whatever is necessary – begining with your mindset – to become the person you want to be. You have the right to pause your life and review your thoughts and actions to become Better by Intention (not by chance, but because you’ve decided to!) and create space for growth, change, and authentic connections.
The greatest glory in living, lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall.
Nelson Mandela
Exploring Relationship Patterns to Heal
Healing from past wounds requires self-compassion, patience, and a commitment to one’s well-being. It involves acknowledging and processing the pain, seeking support from trusted individuals, and educating oneself while engaging in healing practices and self-care.
Infidelity often reveals recurring patterns within our relationships. Examining these patterns gives us valuable insights into our behaviors, beliefs, and expectations. Do I believe I deserve to be happy? This awareness allows us to break free from unhealthy cycles and forge new and fulfilling connections.
However, exploring our relationship patterns involves reflecting on our choices, examining the dynamics of our past relationships, and identifying the common threads and self-beliefs that contributed to attracting a relationship in which infidelity is a possibility.
Once I started to recognize my fragilities and work toward my own healing, my reality began to change. Why?
Because the world around us doesn’t respond to what we want. It responds to what we are.
Your Frequency is What Truly Matters
I understand that this statement might sound a little woo-woo for you. But don’t take my word for it. Science has proven that what this biological human equipment can perceive is just a tiny fraction of what is around us, because our five senses are very limited. And the truth is, there’s much more to life than what we were led to believe.
So, my dear friend, if you suspend your objections and stay with me, if you try the path I’m sharing with you, I believe that it will change your life’s perspective for the better – trust me, this new way of living is utterly empowering and transformative.
Just as a radio station, you too have a frequency. That unique signature is comprised by everything that you think, feel and do. Everything that you eat, drink, watch, hear, smell, touch (and if you are thinking five senses, bingo!). But also, everything that you experience, your habits, your vices, your choices and most of all, how you handle and digest all of those experiences. That frequency that you are, speaks much louder than what you say, and that’s how attraction or repulsion happens in a nutshell (more about it in this post).
Last but not Least: Your Healing Is Not About Them
This may seem counterintuitive because we often believe that our healing depends on our partner’s explanations for their actions or on entirely different behavior. To some extent, that might be true, especially if you plan to stay in that same relationship. But focusing too much on your partner will only distract you from the inner work and delay your healing.
Your journey toward healing relies on reclaiming your own sense of safety and trust. It’s about processing, first and foremost, the emotions caused by the betrayal and rebuilding your inner strength until, eventually, you get in touch with the awareness of what your participation in all of that is so you can work on yourself – which is the only part you have some control over.
And don’t worry—if you need help understanding exactly how this will happen, we will discuss that in detail in other posts, like this one.
For now, try to open a little space in your mind to this idea: The betrayer’s actions or motivations are not relevant to your inner work and healing. If you enter that rabbit hole to search for reasons and answers outside of you, it will soon become clear that it is a neverending path to suffering and wasted energy. More often than not, the root cause of a betrayal hides in the subconscious mind of the betrayer, so let they do their job.
Instead of looking for causes outside of yourself, learn to change your thoughts and consequently feelings and emotions. Change your frequency and you will never ever align with that kind of situation again. And if your partner wants to be with you, they will have to meet you where you will be. It’s your job to raise the bars, got it?
And why is this important? Because to heal is a decision you need to take. Once decided, you will have to make better choices for your own sake and abandon the things that don’t serve that purpose, – which include toxic self-beliefs, habits, thought patterns, opinions, actions and even people. If you decide to focus on what is working and what is beautiful in your life – even if it’s your daily warm shower (and trust me, there was a time when that was the highest point of my day) – you will slowly but surely start to feel better, even if there are set backs.
Your life experience is subjective and not objective, and the things you choose to focus on will seem to be all there is. But the truth is, we’re always deciding what to give attention to. Therefore, your life is nothing more and nothing less than your own personal reality, and the power to transform it is in your hands—or should I say, in your mind?
How you think determines how you feel. And how you think and feel creates your sense of self. That sense of self determines your personality and your personality creates your personal reality.”
Dr. Joe Dispenza
Tips I would love you to remember:
- Get used to noticing the stories that are playing on repeat in your mind;
- Don’t waste your energy on what you can’t control (i.e., their behavior)—the betrayal itself is clear evidence of your lack of control over others.
- Try your best to let go of the need to get them to tell you “why” so you can heal or move on. They might come up with all sorts of excuses, but they’re probably not even scratching the surface.
Let me give you a few insights about the mindset and attitude you can intentionally start to build:
- Train your mind: Your life experience derives from where you put your attention. If you train your mind, you will be able to choose how you react, how you process experiences, and how you move forward. Meditation and yoga are great starters.
- Financial Empowerment: Focusing on your own wealth can help you reclaim your sense of dignity and agency. It empowers you to take control of your well-being and decide to stay or leave from a place of strength instead of weakness, fear, or scarcity. Find strategies here.
- Uncontrollable Factors: You cannot control the actions of others, including the betrayer. Focusing on their actions only leads to frustration and delays your healing. The journey is yours and should focus on what helps you move forward. Adjust the focus to YOU as many times as you need.
- Feeling angry, hurt, or confused is okay: These are natural emotions following betrayal. Allow yourself to mourn, to feel them and process it all in a healthy way, allowing yourself time. There’s a beautiful song that I really want you to listen to: “You can’t rush your healing“, by Trevor Hall. However, take good care of yourself and your beautiful mind so you don’t have to linger there more then necessary.
- Practice self-care: Take care of your physical and emotional needs by eating healthy, getting enough sleep, and engaging in activities that empower and relax you, like Yoga and meditation. Grounding (just walking or standing barefoot on the grass or dirt) might be especially important as it will help you cleanse yourself of toxic emotions and repetitive thoughts while aligning you with the circadian rhythm, which will help you with your sleep.
- Healthy boundaries protect you: Establishing healthy boundaries around your interactions with the betrayer, and anyone else who reminds you of the trauma, can create a safe space for your healing.
- Communicate boundaries clearly: Be clear and assertive when communicating your boundaries. Depending on the situation, this might involve limiting contact, setting ground rules for communication, or even choosing to cut ties completely.
- Enforce boundaries with consequences: Make it clear what the consequences will be if your limits are not respected. This helps maintain your safety and prevents further emotional damage.
I want to leave you with this, my dear sister:
What a caterpillar calls the end of the world, we call a butterfly.
Eckhart Tolle
Healing is a process, a personal journey, not a destination. It takes time and effort, but with the proper support and focus on yourself, you can move forward, rebuild your life, and find a new version of yourself, that is much more empowered and aware, even better than before. You can do this! We’re together.
I’m thrilled and honored to share this path with you.
With love and faith in you,
Cris
References for the Article:
* A study published in the Journal of Marital and Family Therapy found that about 30-40% of couples who experienced infidelity and attempted reconciliation experienced a relapse or another incident of infidelity within 5 years.
** The American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy reports that of the 31% of married couples who experience infidelity, about half attempt to reconcile. Of those who attempt reconciliation, approximately 60-75% are able to remain together, at least for the short term.
*** From the Addo Recovery article:
“In fact, more than 86% of couples stay together when both agree to be vulnerable, completely honest, and dedicate themselves to the process.”