“I never thought I was in a toxic relationship. Everything seemed normal at first. But slowly, I started noticing patterns. My partner would make subtle jabs at my choices – what I wore, how I spent my free time, even my career aspirations. It wasn’t outright criticism, just little comments that made me second-guess myself.”
In the complex landscape of relationships, toxic patterns can often lurk beneath the surface, unnoticed yet deeply damaging. A fundamental truth in personal growth and healing is this: if you can’t name or recognize a pattern, you can’t deal with it nor heal from it. This principle is especially crucial when navigating the murky waters of toxic relationships and subtle betrayals.
The Power of Recognizing the Patterns
Imagine trying to solve a puzzle without knowing what the final picture should look like. Similarly, attempting to address relationship issues without understanding the underlying patterns is an exercise in frustration. That’s why recognition is the first step toward changing the status quo. By naming toxic behaviors, we give ourselves the power to confront them, understand their impact, and ultimately, heal from the damage they cause. Awareness is the first step towards healing. By learning to identify toxic patterns, we can begin to address them. Some key signs include:
- Feeling constantly drained or unhappy in the relationship
- Walking on eggshells to avoid conflicts
- Experiencing frequent disrespect or verbal abuse
- Noticing a persistent imbalance of power where your needs are sidelined
Beyond these recognizable behaviors, even more subtle forms of betrayal often go unnamed and unaddressed. Emotional withholding, financial infidelity, passive aggression, and breaches of privacy are just a few examples. Each of these behaviors represents a betrayal of the trust and respect that form the foundation of healthy relationships.
By learning to identify and name these patterns, we equip ourselves with the tools to address them. For instance, recognizing that a partner’s constant comparisons to others are a form of betrayal is called “comparison betrayal” and allows us to confront the behavior directly and set boundaries against it.
The Impact of Unnamed Toxic Relationship Patterns
When toxic patterns remain unnamed and unrecognized, their impact can be devastating. Victims often experience diminished self-esteem, chronic anxiety, and difficulty trusting others, often without understanding the root cause. The cycle of toxicity can erode self-confidence and decision-making abilities, leaving individuals feeling trapped and unsure of how to proceed.
This is why the ability to name and recognize patterns is so crucial. It’s the difference between feeling helplessly caught in a web of confusion and having a clear path toward healing and growth.
“The real wake-up call came when I got a promotion at work. Instead of being happy for me, my partner immediately started talking about how this would affect our relationship, how I might not have time for them anymore. That’s when it hit me – this wasn’t about support or love, it was about control.”
The Subtle Nature of Toxic Behaviors
In toxic relationships, betrayal often manifests in less obvious ways than outright cheating or lying. It’s a gradual process of undermining the foundation of trust and respect that healthy relationships are built upon, including emotional manipulation, where guilt, shame, or fear are used to control behavior. Some examples can include:
- Emotional manipulation: Using guilt, shame, or fear to control a partner’s behavior.
- Gaslighting: Denying or distorting reality, making the victim question their own perceptions.
- Constant criticism: Consistently belittling or finding fault with a partner’s actions or character.
- Neglect: Consistently ignoring a partner’s emotional needs or withholding affection.
- Gossiping: Sharing private or sensitive information about a partner with others, often with the intent of discussing their behavior later. This form of emotional betrayal can lead to feelings of humiliation and distrust, as it undermines the implicit promise of respect and confidentiality in a relationship.
- Emotional Withholding: Deliberately withholding affection, praise, or emotional support as a form of punishment or control. This can be subtle but deeply damaging to the relationship.
- Financial Infidelity: Hiding significant financial decisions, debts, or spending habits from a partner. This betrays the trust and shared goals of the relationship.
- Passive Aggression: Indirectly expressing negative feelings instead of addressing issues openly. This can include the silent treatment, sarcasm, or subtle digs.
- Breach of Privacy: Invading a partner’s privacy by reading their messages, emails, or diaries without permission. This violates trust and personal boundaries.
- Emotional Dumping: Consistently unloading one’s negative emotions onto a partner without reciprocating emotional support. This can be draining and one-sided.
- Comparison Betrayal: Constantly comparing a partner unfavorably to others, whether explicitly or implicitly. This erodes self-esteem and trust.
- Stonewalling: Refusing to communicate or resolve conflict effectively shutting the partner out. This can be a form of emotional abandonment.
- Gaslighting: Subtly manipulating a partner’s perception of reality, making them doubt their own memories or experiences. This is a particularly insidious form of betrayal.
- Broken Promises: Consistently failing to follow through on commitments, even small ones. Over time, this erodes trust in the relationship.
- Emotional Affairs: Developing an inappropriately close emotional bond with someone outside the relationship, even if it doesn’t become physical.
- Weaponizing Insecurities: Using a partner’s vulnerabilities or insecurities against them in arguments or manipulating them.
- Selective Transparency: Being open about certain aspects of life while hiding others, creating a false sense of honesty in the relationship.
The Addiction to Toxicity
The brain will choose a familiar hell over an unfamiliar heaven.
Bruna Dimantas – Master of Behavioral Neuroscience
One of the most perplexing aspects of toxic relationships is how we can become addicted to drama and retro-feed disempowering dynamics. I know this may feel like a plot twist to you, but being aware of this fact is actually very empowering. This addiction often stems from our early life experiences and the relationships we witnessed or experienced during our formative years.
Bruna Dimanta explains, “During our early years, we become familiar with toxic relationships, and as adults, we often find ourselves only knowing that kind of relationship. We then continue to seek out that familiar emotional climate and nurture our craving for it.”
This addiction works similarly to chemical addictions. The toxic relationship provides a familiar emotional climate, even if it’s painful. We subconsciously search for that next ‘high’, which, in this case, is the neurotic pain from our past that we’ve become accustomed to. And that is why people can become addicted to toxic relationships, even when they intellectually know the relationship is bad for them.
Moreover, toxic relationships can stimulate the brain’s reward system in a way that is similar to substance addiction, making these relationships physically addictive. This neurological response can make it incredibly difficult to break free from toxic patterns, even when we intellectually understand that they’re harmful.
The Behavioral Neuroscience Paradox
Behavioral neuroscience, also known as biological psychology or biopsychology, is a science field that studies the biological bases of behavior. It explores how the brain, neurons, neurotransmitters, and other biological processes affect and are affected by behavior and mental processes.
From that perspective, the tendency to stay in familiar negative situations rather than venture into unknown potentially positive ones can be explained by several neurological and psychological factors:
1. Fear response and the amygdala:
The amygdala, a key structure in the brain’s limbic system, is heavily involved in processing fear and emotional responses. When faced with unfamiliar situations, the amygdala can trigger a fear response, even if the new situation is potentially beneficial. This fear of the unknown is a deeply ingrained survival mechanism.
2. Negativity bias:
The brain has evolved to pay more attention to negative stimuli as a survival mechanism. This negativity bias can make potential risks in new situations seem more prominent than potential benefits.
3. Habit formation and the basal ganglia:
The basal ganglia play a crucial role in habit formation and reinforcement. Over time, even negative patterns can become deeply ingrained neural pathways, making them feel more comfortable and automatic than new, unfamiliar patterns.
4. Stress response and cortisol:
Chronic stress, often present in toxic situations, leads to elevated cortisol levels. Paradoxically, this state can become familiar to the brain, and deviating from it may initially increase stress and discomfort.
5. Dopamine and reinforcement:
In toxic relationships, intermittent positive reinforcement can create powerful dopamine-driven reward cycles, similar to addiction. This can make it difficult to leave the familiar pattern, even when it’s overall negative.
6. Cognitive dissonance:
The prefrontal cortex, responsible for decision-making and rational thought, can engage in cognitive dissonance to justify staying in a known negative situation rather than facing the uncertainty of change.
7. Neural plasticity limitations:
While the brain is capable of change (neuroplasticity), forming new neural pathways requires consistent effort and time. The brain may initially resist change due to the energy required to form these new connections.
8. Memory consolidation and the hippocampus:
The hippocampus plays a key role in memory formation. Negative experiences in new situations may be more strongly encoded than positive ones, reinforcing the preference for the familiar.
Tendency to Stay in Familiar Negative Situations
Here are a few examples of how real-life hypothetical examples might relate to your own experience once these biological tendencies play out.
- Early conditioning: Sarah grew up with parents who constantly argued and reconciled in dramatic cycles. As an adult, she is drawn to volatile relationships, mistaking intense conflict and passionate make-ups for love.
- During childhood, our brains are highly plastic. If we’re exposed to toxic relationships, our neural pathways adapt to this environment, establishing it as our “normal.”
- Stress response: Mark’s partner frequently criticizes him and threatens to leave. Over time, Mark becomes hyper-vigilant, always on edge, anticipating the next argument. He finds it hard to relax even in calm moments.
- Toxic relationships often involve high stress, triggering the release of cortisol and adrenaline. Over time, our bodies can become accustomed to these elevated stress hormone levels.
- Dopamine and the reward system: Emma’s girlfriend is often cold and distant but occasionally surprises her with grand romantic gestures. Emma finds herself constantly chasing these rare moments of affection, ignoring the long periods of neglect.
- In toxic relationships, moments of reconciliation or intermittent positive attention can cause dopamine spikes. This creates a reward pattern similar to drug addiction, where we crave these “highs.”
- Oxytocin and bonding: Despite frequent verbal abuse, John struggles to leave his husband. The physical intimacy they share after arguments floods John with feelings of attachment, making it difficult for him to see the relationship objectively.
- Known as the “love hormone,” oxytocin is released during physical touch and emotional bonding. In toxic relationships, it can strengthen attachment even to harmful partners.
- Serotonin fluctuations: Lisa’s mood swings dramatically based on her boyfriend’s behavior. When he’s attentive, she feels elated; when he’s distant, she falls into depression. She feels unable to regulate her emotions independently.
- Serotonin, which regulates mood, can become imbalanced in toxic relationships. Low serotonin levels can lead to depression and anxiety, making it harder to leave.
- Norepinephrine and emotional arousal: Tom is addicted to the “drama” in his relationship. The constant arguments and reconciliations with his partner keep him in a state of high emotional arousal that, while unhealthy, feels thrilling and alive.
- This neurotransmitter increases during emotional arousal, both positive and negative. In toxic relationships, it can create a state of hyperarousal that feels familiar and even necessary.
- Endogenous opioids: After each fight with her wife, Rachel experiences a sense of calm and relief. She starts to unconsciously provoke arguments, craving the soothing feeling that follows conflict resolution.
- Our brain’s natural painkillers are released during emotional distress. In toxic relationships, we may become dependent on this self-soothing mechanism.
- Neural pathway reinforcement: David grew up believing that “love hurts.” In his adult relationships, he repeatedly falls for partners who are emotionally unavailable, reinforcing his belief that struggling for affection is normal in love.
- Repeated experiences strengthen neural connections. The more we engage in toxic relationship patterns, the more ingrained and automatic they become.
Recognizing Our Own Toxic Behaviors
Since we are at Better by Intention and our goal here is to empower with knowledge, self-reflection, and purpose-driven action, let’s reflect on how, in this context, we can take full responsibility for our share of the pie. Let’s take a look at how we might be contributing to the vicious dynamics and adding to the drama. Did you notice how easy it is to fall into a pattern of reactivity in toxic relationships that perpetuates the cycle of negativity? Take a deep breath and check out the list below, trying to see if you find yourself embodying any of these behaviors:
- Responding to criticism with harsh counter-attacks
- Using passive-aggressive behavior to express frustration
- Stonewalling or giving the silent treatment
- Engaging in emotional manipulation
- Harboring resentment and bringing up past grievances
- Escalating arguments instead of seeking a resolution
I am a toxic freak! Now what?
Bravo! It takes courage to look at yourself in the mirror and accept your responsibility. And from now on, you will never “un-see” what you just saw about yourself. And that’s good because this is the beginning of your empowerment journey. And if it feels weird, unfamiliar, and uncomfortable to look inside yourself for alternatives, that is a good sign. It means your brain is trying to make new neuropathways for your new behaviors that will emerge from awareness, which is the first step in breaking this cycle. Here is how to cultivate it:
- Mindfulness practices: Regular quick pauses for contemplation or meditation that intentionally interrupt your day can help you become more aware of your thoughts and emotions in real time. As you know, the Positive Intelligence Program is one of the best alternatives I know for creating new neuropathways and transforming insights into practice.
- Keep a journal: Writing about your interactions can help you identify patterns in your behavior as you read them back and get conscious of the situation.
- Seek feedback: Ask trusted friends or a therapist for honest feedback about your behavior in relationships.
- Notice physical cues: Pay attention to bodily sensations (like tension or increased heart rate) that might signal you’re about to react negatively.
- Identify triggers: Recognize specific situations or words that tend to provoke a toxic response from you and make the conscious decision to stop before it happens.
The STOP Technique
Once you’ve developed awareness, you can use the STOP technique to interrupt the cycle of toxicity:
S – Stop: Pause as soon as you notice you’re about to react negatively.
T – Take a breath: Use deep breathing to calm your physiological response.
O – Observe: Notice your thoughts, feelings, and bodily sensations without judgment.
P – Proceed mindfully: Choose a response that aligns with your values and the person you want to be.
The STOP technic
Breaking the Cycle
This chemical cocktail creates a form of emotional addiction. Our brains and bodies adapt to the highs and lows of toxic relationships, making healthier, more stable relationships feel unfamiliar or even boring by comparison. Breaking this cycle often requires conscious effort to rewire these neural pathways and reset our neurochemical balance.
The brain’s tendency to prefer known negative situations over uncertain new ones can play a role. However, I want you to remember that by educating yourself, starting your inner work, and looking for support, you can break these cycles and create healthier relationship patterns.
- Self-awareness: Recognize the patterns in your relationships and how they mirror your relationship with yourself.
- Healing childhood wounds: Address and resolve toxic childhood experiences and conditioning that may be driving your addiction to toxic relationships.
- Building self-love: Focus on developing a healthy relationship with yourself. As Franzoso suggests, “Find the light in you and then love it madly.”
- Seeking support: Professional help, such as therapy or counseling, can provide valuable tools and insights for breaking the cycle.
- Setting boundaries: Learn to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in your relationships.
The Journey to Healing
Healing from toxic relationships and overcoming the addiction to them is a journey that begins with recognition. As you learn to name and identify toxic patterns, you empower yourself to make informed decisions about your relationships and your own well-being.
Remember, the ability to name and recognize patterns is not just about identifying problems—it’s about opening doors to solutions. It’s about transforming confusion into clarity, helplessness into empowerment, and pain into growth.
As you continue on your path of self-discovery and healing, keep in mind that knowledge is power. Each pattern you learn to recognize is a step towards creating healthier, more fulfilling relationships. In the words of Maya Angelou, “When you know better, you do better.”
By arming yourself with the ability to name and recognize toxic patterns and understanding how we can become addicted to them, you’re not just protecting yourself from future harm—you’re setting the stage for loving, supportive relationships built on a foundation of mutual respect and understanding.
The path to healing may not always be easy. Still, with each step, you’re reclaiming your power and writing a new chapter in your story—one of growth, resilience, and, ultimately, love that nurtures rather than diminishes your spirit.
You might be interested in this other article: Recognizing When It’s Time to Leave.