When a person discovers an act of betrayal, it can profoundly impact their mental, physical, and emotional well-being. The mind can become consumed with replaying past events, constantly questioning how the signs were missed. It can be a difficult and uncertain time, with many wondering if there is any hope for the future.
Phase zero: Discovering betrayal
It’s a shock. The knowledge of betrayal strikes your awareness like a bomb, and your life experience is suddenly different and unfamiliar. It feels like the ground under your feet is gone because the pillars that used to sustain that intangible feeling of safety were shattered. The agreements have been broken, and you no longer know what to believe. How can I ever trust them again? What is real and what’s a lie? A myriad of thoughts invade your mind space, and as you entertain them, uncomfortable feelings express themselves in your body without your permission. You can’t think straight. It all seems like a bad dream you desperately wish to wake from.
And even though no clear lines define the phases after betrayal, shock and resistance slowly give place to a certain kind of weird acceptance. Not yet true resilience, because nothing will ever be the same, but an odd space of contrasts. You oscillate between sadness and anger, between wanting to leave and staying as the day’s end. The dynamics between the two of you become very unhealthy; you demand explanations, which sometimes they have none. You wonder if it’s your fault. You wonder if it’s their fault. There are constant arguments; you desperately try to understand what’s happening and make sense of this newly imposed reality.
The third phase after betrayal: Going back to “normal”
In this phase, many questions remain unanswered. There’s a deep emotional wound that was not healed. And yet, you need to move on with your life, with or without them. But the insecurity is present most of the time and you no longer recognize yourself – or the relationship.
But after a while, you get used to this new normal, not noticing this new identity you’ve embodied. This victim’s identity. Maybe you turned into a nagger. Perhaps you developed a passive-aggressive behavior toward your partner. You may be feeling much more stressed than you ever felt before. Maybe you can’t sleep. Perhaps you are depressed. Maybe you can’t eat, or you’re eating, drinking, or smoking too much. You may find yourself looking for distractions in people, movies, parties, the internet, social media, AI chat buddies, or anything that can make the pain go away.
But no matter what you do, it always comes back.
The fourth phase after betrayal: Your body says no
And then, you start to have physical symptoms like headaches, stomach aches and dizziness. Your mind is foggy; there’s a lack of energy. Your body is trying to communicate with you: “Hey, there’s something really wrong around here.” And somehow, you manage to ignore it. You get used to all of that. And little by little, this new reality settles in. You’ve learned how to cope. You’ve accepted the unacceptable. You’ve adapted.
And many people stop there. I am here to tell you that I feel you; I really do. And because I’ve been there, I ask you to please wake up! Please don’t linger there. Because that place is destroying your sense of self and stealing you from the possibility of a new, much healthier, fulfilling future. Please pay attention now, because what I am about to share with you is a crucial step of a strategy that helped me move beyond survival and use all of that pain and insecurity to leverage the new and most exciting chapter of my life.
Shifting your Identity: The best chapter of your life
The only healthy way to move on with your life after betrayal trauma is to reinvent yourself, and I know, maybe you’ve heard that before. But why and what does it mean exactly? To answer these questions, I want to introduce you to the concept of Identity Shift. This concept is not only a theoretical idea but a practical tool that can help you redefine your self-perception and reshape your life.
What’s Identity Shift?
Identity shift is about getting curious about changing how you perceive yourself. It’s about breaking free from the limitations of your current identifications and embracing a new, more empowering self-concept. A personal reinvention can happen through this identity shift as you begin to get creative and make fundamental changes to your character or behavior to improve yourself and adapt to new circumstances or challenges.
These concepts are particularly relevant for women who have been betrayed and feel powerless and trapped in victimhood, since betrayal can shatter your self-confidence and leave you feeling helpless and stuck in a negative self-concept. This can lead to destructive patterns of behavior, where you experience mood swings and a feeling of powerlessness. The problem with this is that, overtime, you become identified with that new you and normalize a sense of self that is not working in your best interest.
Wether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right.
Henry Ford
But why do I need an identity shift?
Ever thought about Henry Ford’s famous quote, “Whether you think you can, or you think you can’t, you’re right”? This means that the limits of your identity determine how far you can go in life, how successful you can be, and what kind of person you can become. In simple terms, your identity shapes your reality. You will never change your life until you change the person you see yourself as. But by understanding and applying the principles of identity shift and personal reinvention, you can reclaim your power and redefine who you are.
The following steps will guide you through this transformative process:
- Decide Who You Want to Be: Before anything else, you need to decide who the new version of you is. Get crystal clear on her identity. Who is she? What does she believe about herself? How does she feel in her body? What kind of stories does she live by? What does she assume to be true about herself and the world she lives in? The first step is getting very clear on who this person is.
- Let Go of the Old Self: There is no rebirth without death. You must let go of everything that does not align with your dream self. You have to let go of who you’ve always been to become someone new. This might mean letting go of old stories, old experiences, old beliefs, and even certain relationships or possessions.
- Embody the New Identity: To shift your identity and become a new you, you don’t pretend; you embody. You’re not trying to imitate a person; you internalize that person. You harness that person’s energy, put it inside you, and let it become you. This is how you most quickly, most efficiently, change your life and reinvent yourself.
- Manifest the New Identity Through Actions and Habits: Once you’ve internalized the new identity, it’s time to manifest it through your actions and habits. Your intentions should turn into behaviors, actions, and new habits will naturally align with your new identity, further reinforcing and solidifying it.
- Understand the Role of Others in Your Identity Shift: It’s not only how you see yourself that matters; it’s also how you think other people see you. Sometimes, the people closest to you can make it hard for you to let go of your old self and embrace the new one. Be aware of this and communicate your changes to them, and if necessary, change your inner circle of friends.
Remember, this is not a quick fix. This is like running a marathon. You have to slowly and diligently prepare yourself (a lot!) before you start the run; once you do, it will be a long time before you cross the finish line. So start with small, actionable baby steps. Think about small things you can change TODAY, not tomorrow or next week. And repeat it every single day. That’s how habits are created.
Here are my last two most important tips for you
After a lot of trial and error, I’ve come to realize that one of the best ways to install new habits or become Better by Intention is by meditating daily. It seems too much, but, how many times a week do you shower? How many times a day do you brush your teeth? And how many times a day do you have intrusive thoughts that pollute your mind space, keeping you trapped in that old self behavior? Do you understand what I mean?
Meditation is a powerful way to clean up your mind daily and intentionally create a new space to plant the seed of that new you. Imagine her, feel her, and sense how your life would be from that new perspective you envision. That’s where it all starts: inside your mind.
There are many different meditation techniques, but I strongly suggest you start with some Mindfulness meditation. Because once you learn how to become mindful during your meditation, you will be able to translate that habit into your life, infusing every moment with this intentional awareness. And if you want to know more about meditation, you will enjoy this article.
And, if you’ve never meditated before or don’t know where to start, I’ve created this very efficient 6-minute guided meditation that you can listen to every morning to kickstart your transformational journey. You can also like this Why Meditation Works ebook, where I talk more about this mindful movement that has gone beyond Temples and ancient religions and is transforming the lives of people from all walks of life, including high achievers, athletes, business owners, CEOs, CFOs, etc.
Remember: this work is not just about creating a new identity but about embodying it. It’s about internalizing this new self-concept so profoundly that it becomes a part of who you are. It’s about living and breathing this new identity until it becomes your reality.
The ways you won’t succeed (and the antidotes)
- Never start. Instead, keep waiting for that magical, perfect moment somewhere in the future to take off. Perfectionism will not get you anywhere, and oftentimes, it only hides one thing: you’re insecure and afraid of failure. Antidotes: 1) Begin with what you have and break that big goal into small actionable steps. 2) Don’t tell anyone. Just show up every day for yourself and do what needs to be done.
- Give up before you get there. We give up on our dreams for many reasons, and they are usually not what we think they are. The true motives are hidden in our subconscious mind. Antidotes: 1) Watch out for self-sabotaging thoughts like “It’s taking too long,” I’m not made for this,” “I’ll never be able to make it,” “This is too hard,” etc., and don’t mind them. These are expressions of that old agonizing you that needs to go. 2) Use the power of your meditations to cal down and don’t fight the waves – those intrusive negative thoughts that don’t help you at all -. Instead, just accept they’re there and keep swimming past the breakers until you reach that beautiful, calm sea where you can float and rest in tranquility.
- Exchange the benefit of your long-term goal for some form of instant gratification that sets you off your path. Just like a piece of cake on a Tuesday evening can give you a lot of immediate pleasure but ruin your future plans of fitting into those stand-up trousers. Antidote: Remember that every transition phase feels weird and unfamiliar, and our system does not like that. Evolution taught us that unfamiliar equals danger, so what to do? Acknowledge the feeling and tell yourself, “Yes, it’s a bit unfamiliar, but I’m safe. I’ll get used to it, and I’ll be just fine”.
If you are consistent and don’t give up, even if there are setbacks – and probably there will be – you will, in a short period, start to experience the benefits of that new person you’ve become. With better thoughts, your internal experience of life will change, and together with it, the external will follow.